margaritas yummy!

well Antonio sure knows how to make a mean margarita... tonight was fun with aaron even though he fell asleep. I am on strike officially from starbucks and the babysrus overpriced crap...... it is so late but I will ramble anyways earlier I had so much to say but after a long time chatting online words seem few. Been working on the house -how much I would like to be done and start living again ever since we have moved in it has been something- I guess I am so spoiled with the new houses I have lived in most of my life this is such a chore with rocky yard and a old house on top of a interested baby. I really wish I felt like my contributions mattered more to this family. I wish we had some support like my family around-not that I want someone else to take care of my responsibilities but it would be nice to have some experienced trustworthy people in my life for a change. I feel sad about aaron he tries to be a good husband/provider I am not knocking him but I really think I have higher expectations and that sounds bitchy but we are on diff wave lengths says hippie gary? so its a wait and see I think once the house/work/life settles a bit -wait settles like in settles your standards that is not good? well I am still working on this and wavelengths and all of the above to fig out things so this is it for now..........the way it is.

My poor confused husband..

I'll tell you one thing he sure thinks he's clever....... trying to be funny and currently mumbling in the shower saying who knows what- this happens often lately a lot in his sleep as well and I stay up listening thinking he is actually talking to me as I am wanting to fall asleep and can't. I feel that I am a very tolerant person considering the fact that my house and life feels constantly turned upside down daily with a 10 month old. He works late, doesn't answer his phone, responds to my emails on a rare whim, acts like a second child, thinks he knows everything applying this little known knowledge of things to create half way finished mess throughout the house and in the garage disaguising themselves as half motorcycles, torn apart engines, wood projects I will stop now but his endless a.d.d. mindset requires my stern sometimes not so loving approach to maintain control of the chaos -maybe I should give him more credit but you do not have to live in it. Ask him the latest thing is I am the brains of this operation and he is the monkey.. besides he is obsessed with banana phones- don't ask.

my old chef.

I found a few sad things out today about my old job so many changes..man and to look back on how much fun it was in the beginning and how one place held such importance and the sense of family to now be this -key people have parted ways and now it's just a memory.
Terry moved back to England just sold everything and left :( he was like a father while I was working giving each other shit, learning, the usual stuff. I talked to an old friend today that was good to feel connected again to the field. I really don't feel like I have any friends at times except the random few from jobs along the way. I have tried several times to connect with other mothers with no luck. We did a meet-up group at the park today for couples - less than impressed everyone was so pretentious. I love peeling the layers away from human interactions as people try to gain the perfect image or social status by job/house/car/dressing the "certain" way. I think I would be better off like my husband said afterwards about me -that I would be just fine living in a yurt in Montana? Not sure about Montana but I am happy being with my child and not dealing with the drama of the world. I like having the satisfaction of doing things being self-sufficient as much as possible. Having a baby sure can be isolating if you let it I have been so selfless in a sense because she has needs she can't yet meet them for herself I give up doing things I want like some classes I have been eying or the concerts/trips/ grownup stuff. I just wish things were different having a better support system would ease some of the stress on my plate but other than that and the stress of house projects I am fine.

having a kitchen - I remember those days

Let me start off by saying I love having a kitchen and until it is gone for months undergoing a remodel do you not realize even a sucky small kitchen was better than nothing. I feel like we are camping all day everyday when it comes to preparing a meal blahhhhhhh I once did not appreciate the minimal effort it required to turn the knob on the stove for heat to cook until just to prepare eggs in a pan on the camp stove and it ran out of fuel and then you have to turn on the bbq and have it not blow up in your face due to the starter switch being broken all for simple eggs.. so I have become very creative like making pasta in the microwave.. I have a soulless gaping hole of a kitchen - I love cooking and being a chef but I have little inspiration these days- especially since I am not working in the profession now and can't be spoiled by space, nice equipment, and dishwashers. I want to make Ava's first birthday cake but who knows about that right now.
I think I have been losing some weight so can't complain too much that's the only positive of not having one.

Why does it matter?

I think blogs are strange writing like it is a diary online but for everyone to read kinda doesn't seem real- I am too candid which translates as my husband would say wearing my heart on my sleeve which I think is not good -but sorry I am not fake so it is what it is and I am what I am...... and take me how you want.